Thou Shalt Not Put Baby In A Corner

As I am sure you’ve already heard, Better Homes and Gardens is currently under fire for letting THIS ARTICLE go to print. In the article, BH&G writer, Heather (who obviously does not have any children of her own), shares with us her “commandments” for eating out with your small children while making “helpful” suggestions for keeping your children at home and out of public where the rest of society won’t have to look at your whiney snot-nose crotch droppling.

Note: Better Homes & Gardens has since apologized for this article on their Face Book page siting a lack of editor impute and vetting procedures for online articles. Now that this problem has been brought to their attention I certainly hope that steps will be taken to make sure it doesn't happen again.

While I appreciate the apology, my grievances with the article still stand. The opinions expressed in this article, and many of the comments from those who agree with those opinions are a symptom of the misogyny that is ingrained in our society. When you perpetuate social taboos and set limits on breastfeeding and other forms of mothering you are marginalizing women. The hurt that was caused by Better Homes and Gardens providing an unwitting platform for these opinions can not be mended by a simple apology, but I appreciate it none-the-less.

Well Heather, I am sorry that we parents of the world have inconvenienced you, but you know what? Single childless people aren’t exactly the model of acceptable behaviour themselves. So I’ll make you a deal; I will take your incredibly offensive commandments under consideration if you consider my commandments for eating out with your lonely bitter self:

Thou shalt not park your car in the specially reserved parking spaces for parents of young children.

Yes it’s true that those parking spots are purely convenience, and are not protected by any sort of by-law. You will not be fined for parking there without children, but it forces parents of small children to find parking elsewhere and then navigate their small children across a possibly busy and dangerous parking lot. What's more, it makes you look like a total dooche bag.

Thou shalt not use the folding bathroom change table as a convenient place to set your purse.

It may look convenient, but if you had children, you would know that the festering microscopic germ farm growing on that public change table is not a place you would want to set anything without a quick wipe down and a change pad underneath. Not only that but it’s also really irritating for the woman standing there with a stinky baby in her arms waiting for you to get out of the way, especially even if you flash a cheesy smile and say ‘oh sorry, just a second’ in a laughing tone.

Thou shalt not swear loudly enough for my children to hear you at the next table.

Regardless of whether or not there are children at the next table, it is just polite to keep your voice down if you feel the need to be crude. I totally get that it is often necessary, I certainly do not have the cleanest mouth in the world, but I have enough trouble trying to watch my own mouth, I don’t have the time or energy to shield my children from other people’s bad language as well.

Thou shall not smoke your cigarettes right beside the entrance of any establishment.

I didn’t work so hard to kick the smoking habit when I got pregnant just to have insensitive jerks blowing smoke in my baby’s face when I am coming or going from a restaurant, or any other building. If you must slip out for a cigarette in the middle of your meal please make sure to step around to the side of the building.

Thou shalt not stare/glare at me while I am nursing my child.
Yes I breastfeed at the dinner table. No, I do not cover when I do. Some babies just won't eat with a blanket over their head, my son is one of those babies, but that doesn't mean that I should have to go somewhere as unsanitary as a bathroom (no matter how nice it may be) to feed him. In fact, it is my legal right to breastfeed wherever I happen to be. I do, however, have that blanket handy if you would like to eat with it over YOUR head.

Thou shalt not sit around gossiping with your friends in the designated nursing area.

It is my right to breastfeed my child wherever I want, covered or not, but if I choose to use one of the few designated nursing rooms provided by some businesses the last thing I want to deal with is a giggling gaggle of obnoxious women distracting my baby while he’s trying to latch, or just taking up the space I need to care for my child.

Thou shalt not drink too much during your quiet adult dinner and then drive home.

It’s happened too many times for me to count. My family and I go out to eat and while we are enjoying our meal (despite the dirty looks and holier than thou attitudes of the childless patronage.) someone at the next table starts to get a little louder, and little sloppier, and well, just a little bit drunk. I have no problem with that; enjoy yourself while you can, if you do ever have kids you will look back on these days fondly. However, when you then get in your car you are putting my children, yourself, and the general public in harms way.

Thou shalt not bother your wait staff with complaints about other patrons.

Maybe I am crazy, but someone could walk into an establishment totally naked and I probably wouldn't say anything to the wait staff. It is their job to take your order and bus your table, not be your social babysitter. Deciding what behaviour is or is not acceptable, or who is and who is not welcome in the establishment is up to the management, human rights legislation and local licensing laws. By complaining about other patrons to your wait staff you are putting them in a really uncomfortable and sometimes impossible position.

If any of these commandments cannot be met for whatever reason, there are plenty of great recipes out there to recreate the dining out experience in your own home where you do not have to interact with anyone you find annoying, inappropriate, or distracting.

Boys and Body Image

Not too long ago I posted about BFAR and body image for the Body Image Carnival hosted by Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! and MamanADroit. It was such a wonderful experience to share my story, and to read the stories of other women & their body image experiences.

The issue of body image plagues all women it seams. Not surprising in a society that equates beauty & sexuality with worth, and then defines that beauty & sexuality with an airbrush.

But what about men?

My little man is barely aware that he and I are two separate people, so I doubt that he's overly concerned with how he measures up to the rolly-polly blond haired blue eyed happy squealing babies on TV. But the experience of reflecting on my body image lead me to thinking about what body image will mean to my son in the future.

Naturally I asked my partner. 'When young boys see pictures of hulking muscle men with shiny abs and bulging pecks, does it make them feel not good enough?'

He doesn't seam to think so. Or at least, he doesn't remember having those kinds of feelings, or comparing himself to any masculine ideals as a child.

I am a little skeptical. Women aren't the only ones whose bodies are idealized, skewed, and misrepresented in the media. So why would women be the only ones feeling shamed and pressured by those images?

I don't believe that we are the only ones, so why isn't their more talk about the ideal of masculinity that is being marketed to our boys, and the effects that these images have on them?

I am well aware of the behaviour that will be modeled to my son by the media. I find myself determined, if a little daunted, to raise a peaceful and respectful boy who treats women and all beings with kindness and mindfulness despite the fact that every TV show, album, toy, and game marketed to him will be working against me. Even so, until recently I hadn't really thought about how the marketing of masculinity would effect how he feels about his body.

Will he see the barrel chested and over-muscled features of super heroes and action figures as something to aspire to? Will he compare himself with eerily hairless square jawed billboard models?

I expect that he might, and I am unsure of how to prevent, or deal with any self image problems that may arise from the media's version of what it is to be male.

Is guiding a son through all of these unrealistic messages about body and behaviour the same as guiding a daughter?

How does one help any child, male or female, find their way through the muddied waters of gender and body image?

A Social Life For Mommy

This weekend I have plans; real honest to god social plans that will involve having adult conversations with grown up human beings about things other than boobs and poop and teeth and sleep. Well... We may talk about some of those things I guess, but none of them need pertain to me or my immediate family.

While musing about these adult conversations and going as far as to practice a few in my head to make sure I hadn't forgotten how to have one, I also started thinking about the social life of moms.

Being a new mom is a really awkward time socially. Your old friends seam distant and weird because of the vastly different lives they are living. I am often very surprised to remember that that was my life not too long ago, it seams like ages, and I suppose it’s technically a lifetime ago.

You may seek out new friends in support groups and play dates, but if you're anything like me you find making new friends and playing nice with others excruciatingly tedious and irritating. If you're not like me this avenue may be successful for you, but hanging out with only other moms usually results in the kind of comparing and competing that will only serve to drive you completely insane.

On the off chance that you do make or have a close friend with children around the same age as your own you soon realize that coordinating your schedules and wrangling your kids to meet up is actually a super huge pain in the ass. Of coarse you COULD pick up the phone and invite them over, but there's a So You Think You Can Dance Canada marathon on, and you really couldn't be bothered to put on your real clothes and entertain guests.

So as you can see, it's quite easy to fall into a routine that involves little to no contact with the world outside your living room.

Some of the breastfeeding nay-Sayers I know site a social life (or lack there of) as a reason to opt for the bottle over breastfeeding. To them I say: On what world do you think a bottle is going to make ANY difference in the amount of time you spend out of the house or away from your baby?

You're still going to be too tired to stay out past 8 or 9 (probably more so with all the extra work involved with formula feeding).

You will probably still have nothing to talk about other than your baby, (or maybe the SYTYCDC marathon, but I am not the type to admit that I am into that kind of thing.) when your friends get bored of hearing about your little bundle of joy you will feel just as awkward and out of place. Because it’s like word vomit, you would love to talk about something else, but every time you open your mouth your baby’s name falls out.

Bottle for not, your partner is still probably going to call you every hour to ask stupid questions, or to tell you that the baby's crying… 'But you don't have to come home! I just thought you should know.'

Not having any real social life is not a product of 'being tied to my baby' through breastfeeding. It has more to do with the natural social shift that takes place when you have children.

Every so often a birthday or other event comes along with enough notice that I can schedule a babysitter. Other times BBQ's or other get-togethers are early enough and in an environment that I can simply take my nursling with me. These times can be few and far between, but they are enough for me. I get quality time out, if not quantity, and I am happier and more appreciative for it.

Seriously though, I am terrified of those adult conversations! What to people without kids talk about these days? Certainly breastfeeding stats and the results of the latest attachment parenting studies I've read will have no use to me this Saturday night. What am I to do?

Breastfeeding My "Older Baby"

I don't know how anyone could wean at 6 months.

I mean, if you did and that's what worked for you I mean no offense at all, but I personally would be heartbroken if I had to stop breastfeeding now for any reason. Yet that seams to be the expected next step.

More and more in my reading I am coming across the term 'older baby', and while I do know on some level that to some people 7 months is 'getting a little old to still be nursing don't you think?', I was really shocked to notice that subtle message being thrown at me from every direction.

There has been a shift in the tactics being used to undermine my breastfeeding relationship with my son. I have made it 6 months without 'supplementing' or 'choosing to introduce infant formula' or 'picking a healthy alternative for my baby' despite the billions of dollars spent trying to convince me to do so.

Now that I have made it this far though, I start hearing things about my breast milk no longer having any immune benefits, not having enough iron, not enough vitamin D, not enough calories, not enough, not enough, not enough. Breast milk is no longer enough, but it just so happens that there are several products available to.... You get the idea.

Of coarse I have introduced solid foods, and understand that eating something other than breast milk is part of Oliver's development. But I also know that Oliver should continue to get a MAJORITY of his nutrients from me, and not from the cereals, biscuits, and convenience foods made and marketed by formula companies, until he is at least 1 year of age my milk has most, if not all of what he needs, and continues to have countless health benefits for him. (Food for fun until they're one!)

That is not the message I am getting from anyone BUT my doctor. The message I am getting from the world around me is that my breast milk is no longer suitable. What I am hearing from many of the books, the ads, the popular belief, is that breastfeeding is important for only the first six months, because nobody bothered to listen to the rest of the sentence.

According to the World Health Organization, breastfeeding EXCLUSIVELY is important for the first 6 months, then with complementry foods for 2 years and beyond.

I love breastfeeding my 'older baby'. I love knowing that while these new and exciting solid foods are delicious (mostly) and even satisfying, only my milk has the power to calm and comfort. I love the heavy lidded milk-drunk look of pleasure on his face as he falls asleep every night. I love that he constantly smiles, pats, and coos while eating to tell me how much he appreciates nursing. I love that he has started testing his sense of humor and experimenting with movement while at the breast when he tries to nurse with his legs up over his head and then laughs at his own sillyness.

What so many fail to understand is that breastfeeding is so much more than just nutrition. Breastfeeding is comfort, bonding, and communication in their purest forms.

In our society, successful breastfeeding is not easy, establishing a breastfeeding relationship is an uphill battle. 43% of women who fully intend to breastfeed, fail to make it to their child’s 3^rd month. Why would I give it up 6 months later after working so hard to breastfeed in the first place?

Baptism

I would like to have Oliver baptized.

Anyone who knows me at all may be somewhat shocked by that statement. My father sure was, the simple massing priest nearly choked on his dinner when I asked what I would have to do to have Oliver baptized.

It's not that I am particularly anti-religion, and I am certainly not anti-god, though I have been known to make statements to that effect for sheer shock value, and find great humor in making jokes at god's expense (with love though, really, please don’t smite me), I have no particular beef with god, any of the gods, or the majority of their followers.

More than anything I would say that my lack of defined religious affiliation comes from a kind of spiritual apathy more than anything else. I have no story of faith lost, or religious rebellion, I simply failed to find any interest in god or his worship.

There was certainly no pressure for me to do so despite the fact that my father is a priest and therefore, presumably, a religious and spiritual man of god.

My siblings and I were never to my recollection forced, or expected to attend any kind of Sunday school, or engage in regular prayer. But the option was always there.

When the time came my brother chose to be confirmed, I did not, and aside from a few gentle nudges from my father there was never any real issue taken with my decision.

The way I see it, my baptism was my parent's way of saying 'god, this is our daughter, who we intend to raise to be a moral and loving person. Daughter, should you choose to pursue a life of faith, we recommend you start here because we think this god is a pretty cool guy'.

By baptizing Oliver I wish to say 'god, while I do not lead an overly spiritual existence, and pay more inclined to study the Zen teachings of Buddha than I your holy gospel, I want you to meet my son whom I intend to raise as a moral and loving person, should he choose to be a spiritual man, please welcome him with open arms. Son, should you choose a path of faith, here is a pretty good place to start your journey.'

Das Piper isn't religious either. But he is 'not religious' in a very different way than I am. Where I am simply indifferent to religious practice, Das Piper has what I can only describe as distain for religion, spirituality, and god.

We have never talked about it in any detail, and I am sure he would deny/disagree with my premise here. But only someone who has been let down by faith and religion could hate it as much as he seams to.

This of coarse has lead to some friction on the subject of Oliver’s baptism.

While he would never forbid me from baptizing our son, it is fair to say that he really would prefer that I didn't. In an effort to keep the whole process from being something he may feel forced into I am going out of my way to keep him involved, and Das Piper is doing his best to have no involvement whatsoever. He has consented to have Oliver baptized, and agreed to show up to witness it happen, but beyond that it's been made clear that I will get nothing more.

This, of course, makes me wonder if I should even go through with it.

It's not like I am dead set on having him baptized, or think that his life would be lacking in any way if we chose not to.

Regardless of whether or not we do it, he will have some exposure to the church I am sure, and will have the option to join a church or religion on his own terms and in his own way. It's not like he will be banished from god's house never to be welcomed again if we don't baptize him, and even though most people are baptized as infants, there really isn't an age limit on it. He can just as easily be baptized at a later time if that's what he wanted to do.

What makes me so uneasy is that until this point, Das Piper and I have pretty much agreed on every parenting issue we've come across. We agreed that attachment parenting would be the best style for our family, we agreed that Oliver would not be circumcised, we agreed that we would introduce meat to his diet even though I don't eat it and let him become vegetarian on his own should he choose to, we agreed that he would get all of his vaccinations (though the chicken pox one is still up in the air), and we even agreed that Oliver and I would co sleep after it became apparent that it was the only way anyone would get any sleep around here.

But in this one area, an agreement can not be reached and that bothers me. He will give his consent because he knows that it's important to me, but I just can't seam to decide if that is enough.

Is it enough for me to have his permission, but not his support?

Is it really so important to me to baptize my son that I would do so even though the very idea of it makes his father, my partner, so uncomfortable?

Cyber Bullying: Are We Leading By Example?

It has been all over the news for years now, and is a growing concern for the parents of pre-teens and teens. Cyber bullying has taken the torture and agony that is bullying from the playground and brought it into our homes.

Parents do their best. They limit computer time, make sure to keep computers in plain sight where they hope to catch any wrongs done, bullying or otherwise, and lobby law makers to adjust our laws to catch up with the social media/instant media world we live in.

But are we mothers leading by example?

Before I go any further I want to say that my writing this is NOT an attempt to continue, drag out, or re-start any past arguments. I will be more closely moderating the comments on this post in an effort to keep any follow up discussion on the topic of cyber bullying and from getting out of hand. (Basically what I am saying is that I am moving on to the part where I learn from what happened and take from it what I can.)

A few Wednesdays ago I made a few frustrated and angry online comments via twitter about a mom's group that I had been attending regularly. I am willing to concede that making these comments so publicly was at the very least a bad idea and at the very most inappropriate considering the private nature of said group. Part of me knew that at the time but I went ahead and did it anyways, oh well, my bad, can’t go back and do anything about it now.

After a few days to cool down, I went about writing down my thoughts on the subject discussed and the pressure I feel mothers receive in regards to that subject. I tried to do so in a way that articulated only my personal beliefs in regards to MY situation and my reasons for holding those beliefs.

What happened in the comments was immediate and profound. My opinions were challenged (which is a-ok with me, that's what the comment section is for), the things I said on twitter were attacked (which, while my comments were unacceptable my intention while writing that post was not to use my blog as a follow up to those comments, but rather a more calm and rational stating of my beliefs. Hence I did not mention my previous tweets, or the moms group involved in my original post.), and finally I was personally attacked repeatedly and anonymously by a fair sized group of people, many of whom, I would later find out, are known to me 'in real life' and have access to both my phone number and email address. Had these people contacted me with their concerns about my behavior in another way I likely would have apologized. (After what has happened though all phone calls or emails on the subject will be ignored/deleted, the previous paragraph is as close to an apology as I will come.)

Before we can do anything to protect our children from cyber bullying, we must first take a good hard look at the way we conduct ourselves online.

At the same time that I would never decline to write or say something important to me on the off (or inevitable) chance that my opinion will offend someone. I would also NEVER go out of my way to gang up on and attack an INDIVIDUAL no matter how offended I am by their words. I prefer to challenge ideas. (I realize that my twitter comments came perilously close to doing so, but I stand by the fact that I did not single anyone out, use the names of any group members, or even the name of the group itself. I also followed up my comments by stating that I knew my outbursts to be unfair over-generalizations but was acting out of frustration at being bullied myself... Yes, I was very much belittled, disregarded, disrespected, and excluded in that group on a number of separate occasions.)

Situations similar to this one are certainly not unheard of and could even be described as common place.

Heather Armstrong, author of 'It Sucked and Then I Cried' and blogger at dooce.com is flamed on a regular basis for opinions and actions she shares online, including in my most recent memory, something as small as complaining about poor customer service.

A mother I follow was once berated and chastised when, while reaching out for help, tweeted that she had locked herself in a room separate from her screaming children because she was feeling on edge, and overwhelmed.

And of coarse I could write a whole post about the thousands of hateful personal attacks by many on the internet, including mothers, on famous moms Kate Gosselin and Nadya Suleiman. Both of whom, famous or not, attention seeking or not, are human beings with very real feelings.

On a smaller scale I have often seen message boards and chat lines explode with similar behavior over any and every issue.

Mothers, myself included, are horrendously hard on other moms, and the differences that divide us more often spark cruelty and conflict than understanding and acceptance, especially on the internet.

It is said that having children is like having a mirror constantly held up to you. Could it be that we moms are modeling cyber bullying in some way to our children? Or is it just in our nature to forget our humanity and decency when faced with a computer screen in lieu of a human face?

Infants & Sleep: Why I Will Never Leave My Son To "Cry It Out"

'Is your baby sleeping through the night yet?'

For some reason this is the question new mothers get asked more than any other by friends and family, as though an accurate picture of mother and baby's health and happiness can be judged on their sleeping patterns alone.

It isn't just friends and family though, it's doctors, Childcare providers, authors, and other mothers. Our entire society seams to be oddly preoccupied and grossly misinformed about infant sleep.

Hollywood shows us quaint scenes of mothers and fathers looking in from the doorway at their peaceful cherub faced babies sleep soundly in cribs before heading off to talk and make love uninterrupted.

Companies produce baby products like night lights, sound machines, special blankets, and mobiles that they tell us will soothe and calm our babies into sleeping soundly through the night.

Every tom dick and Harry has a son/daughter/nephew/godchild/grandchild that slept through the night the day they were brought home from the hospital.

The worst part is the words we use to describe these sleepy infants. the labeling of babies who sleep through the night as 'good babies' suggests to the desperate over tired parents of babies who do not sleep through the night that there is something 'bad' or wrong with their children.

If you are one of these desperate and over tired parents, or someone without children who has bought into these ideas about infant sleep I have something to tell you.

THAT IS NOT HOW BABIES SLEEP!

What's more, that is not how babies are MEANT to sleep.

It is time for our society to stop expecting so much from infants who can not and should not meet these ridiculous expectations of their behavior.

It is a baby's instinct to wake up in the night for two very good reasons.

1) To eat. Whether you breastfeed or not, your child's need to eat in the night should NEVER be ignored. Frequent eating is needed at regular intervals over a 24 hour span to replenish the calories that babies need to grow. Even formula fed babies NEED to eat during the night, despite what the formula companies tell you about formula keeping a baby fuller longer.

2) To build and maintain milk supply. Contrary to popular belief breasts do not store milk, they MAKE milk. What's more they make milk on a supply and demand basis. The more frequently and the longer a baby nurses at the breast the more milk the breasts create. Even if a baby is formula fed, his/her instinct is to eat frequently day and night to ensure supply.

There are some that believe that the need for night nursing passes after the 6th month. It is my belief that these people are wrong. Every baby is different, and while a 6 month old baby may medically be able to go through a night without eating, it certainly doesn't mean that they should or have to. In fact, as babies become more active and interested in the world around them and less interested in sitting still to eat their need for extra nighttime calories increases to make up for what they may have been too busy to take in during the day.

With our sleeping expectations so high for our infants it is no big surprise that the disappointment and desperation of many a tired parent has lead them to believe that a baby who does not sleep through the night needs to be fixed or 'trained'.

When these parents reach out for help, there is no shortage of 'helpful' (and sometimes expensive) advice out there for them. Sadly, much of this advice is dispensed with little to no consideration of the facts listed above.

Much of this advice encourages the idea that infants will never be good sleepers if they are not 'taught' to sleep and taught to sleep without the assistance of a parent or sleeping aid. According to our society, babies 'have to learn to put themselves to sleep' in order to be 'good sleepers' in later life.

And so, tired and desperate parents are told that all of their problems will be solved if they simply leave their babies to cry themselves to sleep.

Not surprising in our society that values independence above most everything else, the idea of crying it out has been stretched much further than sleep. Not only are parents told that they're sleep problems will be solved, but the advice to cry it out often comes with other false promises of less whining and better behaved children.

Many proponents of the cry it out method go as far as to tell parents that failing to leave a baby to cry will 'spoil' the child and sentence those parents to a long hard life of servitude to a demanding brat.

Well cry-it-out supporters, I am quite obviously not buying it.

I will never leave my child to cry it out, and here are my reasons why:

First of all I believe that it is cruel. My baby's instincts tell him that to be alone is to die. He needs me to fulfill all of his needs so that he can survive; it is my job to be available to him.

What's more it is MY instinct to respond to his cries. There is a reason why the cry it out method is so hard for mothers, our response to our baby's cries is so strong it is often physical. For our babies it is much worse. Where we have the ability to reason that they are in a safe place and are not in danger, our babies do not yet have that ability.

Secondly I believe that responding quickly and consistently to my baby's cries is a vital part of his development. Part of learning to communicate is learning that his actions affect the world around him. When he is hungry he says so and I feed him, when he is frustrated he says so and I can help him, when he is hurt or scared he says so and he is comforted.

When I respond quickly and consistently to my baby's cries he also develops confidence and independence. As he grows my baby will play and explore, learn and experiment with the knowledge that I am here if he needs me. He will also develop security with his own sovereignty in knowing that his actions can affect the world around him. It is my belief that children who are left to cry do not develop this kind of confidence so easily.

We are the models by which our children base their own behavior. From day one they are watching us. As my baby gets older and starts interacting with people outside of his immediate family group, he will take how he has been treated as an example of how to treat others. By responding quickly and consistently to his cries I am teaching him compassion and kindness.

By responding quickly and consistently to my baby's cries I am making him a smarter healthier human being. I don't really have any hard evidence to back that up, but it makes sense so me that the less time and energy my baby spends crying for my attention, the more energy he will have for growing, and more time he will spend learning.

Most importantly, by responding quickly and consistently to my baby's cries I am accepting that he is after all, just a baby. His needs do not have to be in conflict with my own, they are simply different.

He will not be a baby forever, and when these quiet (and sometimes not so quiet) nighttime moments are gone I will miss them (a little anyways). He will eventually learn to sleep through the night, and even learn to fall asleep on his own, and I will teach him those things gently with love and support.

I would not leave my baby to cry himself to sleep any more that I would refuse him training wheels and a helping hand to learn to ride a bike, or leave him alone in a room with a book to learn to read.

Night waking is simply part of being the parent of a small baby. There is nothing wrong with that.

I am not saying that tired parents need to remain tired (well, over tired, you're going to be tired the rest of your life whether you sleep 8 hours or 2). Part of taking care of your baby is taking care of yourself.

My advice to tired parents:

Sleep when your baby sleeps whenever possible, day or night.

Household chores, emails, showers and phone calls can all be done when baby is awake with a little practice and determination... Or done when your partner or someone else is with the baby... or can even be done by your partner or someone else.

The fact is that even a baby who does not sleep through the night will sleep anywhere from 12 to 16 or more hours in a 24 hour period. If you're sleeping when your baby is sleeping you will be getting that much too... Just not all together, and not always when you think you should be getting them... But you will be getting them!

Sovereignty

This past Friday, an interesting book fell into my lap, Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn.

Before I go any further, I should mention that I, regardless of what anyone might say about how no baby is by the book, am an avid reader of all things baby and parenting.

Reading for me is not just a lifelong passion, but also my first choice weapon against becoming overwhelmed and panicked in new and unknown situations. And even though I have had plentiful past experience with babies and children, motherhood is absolutely new and unknown and overwhelming at times. It is so much more than simply caring for an infant in a way that I can not put into words.

And so my reading had taken me far and wide across the entire spectrum of parenting philosophies. But it wasn't until this book that fell into my lap on Friday that I found one that helped me put name and deliberate technique to the feelings I have about motherhood and the kind of parent I wish to be.

Mindful parenting is about striving to be present and aware in every moment of your child, who they are, and what their needs are. And realizing that what works for them and you one day may not work the next.

One aspect of this that I found particularly interesting was the idea of sovereignty.

Sovereignty in that he is his own person, in that he will make his own decisions. It was a concept that I had not taken notice of until I picked up this book. And yet I feel like I had been unknowingly grasping for it the past few months.

This concept of Oliver's sovereignty allowed me to finally put into words what I believe my roll as a parent is: To create an environment where my son can safely explore, develop, and exercise this sovereignty.

Sometimes that will mean providing direct guidance and support. Sometimes that will mean letting him try and fail and learn on his own as I watch on. Sometimes this will mean setting clear and consistent boundaries. And sometimes it will mean letting him set his own.

The over all idea being that I need to be present and mindful, I need to be in tune with my son and who he is as a person to know when and how to take these actions.

In picking up this book, I was able to realize and pin down that to acknowledge and have respect for Oliver's sovereignty is at the very heart of the kind of parent that I want to be.

So thank you to whichever cosmic force or Deity or whatever is responsible for thrusting this book into my lap.