12.18.2007

trashy romance, really how hard could it be? rofl

Today I took a leisurely stroll to the corner store where I perused the cheesy romance section looking for a half assed Christmas gift for my grandmother, who likes to read but would not know good literature if it came up and smacked her in the face. . .

new career plan: write horribly cliche book about a helpless and petite woman who meets a big sweaty naked man and make an honest living off of desperate old women who long to recapture the 'satisfaction' of their youth.

My characters will have boring old names like, Mable and . . . I don't know, let's call the guy Lenny . . . and they will have lots of sex in scenes that somehow avoid using words like, penis, or vagina . . . and you can forget about the clitoris, because in the perfect world of trashy romance, women can be brought to orgasm within minutes without any extra effort put in by their sexual partners. . . only for some reason the word orgasm is not aloud either.

What it really needs is a good opening line, something short and to the point that will get my reader's attention, and make a promise, or suggestion of things to come, of coarse, I will have no intention of fulfilling this promise, cause we all know that with trashy romance novels, it's all about the tease.

the favorite of today's slogging through this shit was the opening line from some 200 page piece of crap about a maiden and a warrior which read "she hadn't come" which sounded really dirty, but because we all know that orgasms never get lost in romance novels, turned out to be about some dude getting stood up at a secret meeting place.

Of coarse, even old people enjoy the taste of forbidden fruit, so Mable and Lenny, who will have decided that they are desperately in love with each other within minutes of meeting, will find themselves kept apart by some sort of external force.

Then there will be fifty pages or so of depression and longing, during which time they will concoct a plan to run off together on a pirate ship. But surely we cannot explore the awesomeness that may come from a story about a pirate ship, because the last fifty pages must consist of more unrealistic sex and passionate declarations of undying love.

Then maybe, just to spice it up, their will be more sex.

I think it will be a best seller.

Though, before I even think about the best sellers list, I need to think of a good pen name. . . because honestly, who the hell would put their own name on this stuff?

I wonder if there is some sort of way to find your 'trashy romance pen name', like how you find your porn name by combining the name of a childhood pet with the street you grew up on.

like, I don't know, combining the last name of your gynecologist with the first name of your great grandmother's best friend. surely that would create a name that would make you sound old, so that the women buying this trash would feel as though you could really connect with them.

Good Lord, one day, when I am one of those women, I am going to look back at this and cry.

2 comments:

Abigail Road said...

I always read those excerpts of trashy novels in the cosmo magazines. i find it hilarious that instead of "clit" or "vagina", they call it " her most sensitive spot/area", and the guy always has a "throbbing member".

Knuckle Toes said...

Always with the throbbing member.
Always!