4.06.2008

The subtle public crotch scratch

As with everything else in our world, scratching one's crotch is an activity that holds a crazy gender based double standard.

It's oh so acceptable, even if a little nauseating, for a man to reach down and scratch his sweaty itchy balls while doing most anything. standing in line at the bank, walking down the street, standing outside the pub with a smoke in one hand and their balls in another.

It baffles me for the most part, and often I find myself wondering if it's about more than the itch. Could it be that scratching testicles gives the scratcher some kind of crazy super powers? Is it somehow Hallucinogenic? Does it release endorphins? Or is it that someone has convinced men everywhere that it releases an irresistible pheromone?

The ins and outs, motives and modes of male ball scratching are not, however, what I am writing about today. What I was thinking about is how unfair it is that Women are not afforded the same freedom to itch.

It doesn't happen often, but on those hot sweaty days of summer, usually the days after a little grooming down south, the need to itch is unavoidable. My usual reaction is to excuse myself to the washroom where I can scratch without the disgusted looks of others.

I had thought I was the only one, but apparently this is a problem that many women have dealt with. and so, while walking through the mall, a friend of mine and I started making a list of ways to subtly scratch your crotch in public in the hopes that it would bring a little comfort to women, if not entirely address the double standard issue.

1) the pocket scratch - works best when wearing a long coat, or baggy pants, and involves scratching your itch through your jacket or pants under the guise of searching for pocket change, or warming your hands.

2) Look a rocket! - basically this approach takes the art of misdirection from the magicians and applies it to our current problem. This approach is probably more for those who don't care about the strangers around them, but don't want the person they're speaking with to see. . . basically all you need to do is call your company's attention to something in the other direction for however long it takes you to quietly deal with your problem. some examples include: "check out that guys funny hat.", "Hey isn't that so and so from popular reality show? oh well, it looks like him.", and "look that way for a second while I scratch my crotch."

3) the sit and wiggle - If you are sitting, either in a restaurant, at your desk, or even at the bus stop, or dare i say, on the bus, a little clever wiggling can be enough to quell the desire to scratch until a more appropriate time. to avoid making yourself look twitchy, you can incorporate the wiggling into other movements, like an extra shift or shimmy while moving your chair closer to the table, or a little more twist than really necessary when you turn to look behind you.

4) the crouch scratch - This is best for long uncomfortable shopping strips. By covering the scratch behind a low crouch or bend to 'get a closer look' at the items on lower shelves, it is easy to relieve yourself without drawing any attention to what you're doing.

5) the Fuck you scratch - Just do it! for all intent and purposes this really should not be on a list entitled 'subtle crotch scratching techniques' But this one's for all women out there who are fed up with the double-standards of their gender. . . no matter how questionable the hygiene of it, If they can do it, so can we, scratch a be free sisters.

3 comments:

Knuckle Toes said...

I am in the process of writing you the funniest comic to come from my artistic genius in quite some time.
"Crotch Touching 101"

Knuckle Toes said...

Also, never forget about the "hide behind an object and giver' beans" scratch.
Pillars, desks, couches, display cases and friends all make great view-blockers

dk said...

and skirts, especiaslly full ones like knuckletoes was wearing yesterday, then when you sit down at a table, whatever the access is there. You just need to practice scratching only with finger movements and keep the wrist elbow steady.

Personally, I don't care if people scratch outside the clothes, it's the thought that they might touch me after scratching inside their clothes. Blleeecchh!!!!